Honne vs. Tatemae

In Japan, there's a dual concept of Honne (本音), which refers to one's true

feelings and desires, and Tatemae (建前), the facade or public face we present to the world.

For years, I was on a quest to find "my" place, "my" people, constantly changing jobs

and homes, even relocating to Singapore and journeying to India on a sabbatical, all in

pursuit of a fit where I could be my authentic self, unshielded by Tatemae.

As I got older, I became more anxious about finding this perfect place.

I fixated on the passage of time, and the fact that the search continued.

And still, it eluded me.

Wherever you go, there you are.

~Confucious

In Hermania Ibarra’s book “Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader” she says that people

with a chameleon leadership style adapt to their surroundings, while “true-to-selfers”

have a fixed perception of their “true selves” and are less adaptable to change.

“The true-to-selfers…stuck to behaviors and styles that worked for them in the past. They sought to prove their competence by demonstrating technical mastery, citing their reliance on ‘substance rather than form’….

While true-to-selfers often succeed with strong expertise and operational excellence in many jobs, they can hit a wall as they enter the transition to more senior leadership roles.

 In these roles, how leaders are perceived becomes as important as what they know, and success requires internalizing a whole new way of being. Ironically, the true-to-selfers' attempts to remain authentic undermined their ability to grow into the kind of leader they aspired to become.

 The chameleons who "faked it until they became it" arrived much more quickly at a true but different, more skillful self: they acted their way into a new but authentic identity.

 The biggest problem with the true-to-self approach is that it defines authenticity according to the past and, by consequence, defines change as a loss.”

As you progress up the career ladder

It’s less about what you know

And more about how you show up.

You don’t have to abandon what you believe in to achieve your goals.

A chameleon only adapts it’s exterior.

It’s still a chameleon.

You don’t have to give up your honne to you adapt your tatemae.